What Hurt The Most
by LixalTheNobody
Summary: Songfic for "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flats. it's been 2 months, and all Roxas can do is remember, but that's not what hurts the most. AU. Oneshot. Yaoi. AkuRoku. my first ocless fic! aren't you proud of me ; anyway, read and review pwease! slight cussing in the authors note, heh heh...


Right then… first songfic ever, let's see how this goes…

WARNING: character death, yaoi, and lots of tears.

DiZclaimer: all things KH belong to sqeenix and Disney. The song "what hurts the most" belongs to rascal flats. One of the few country bands I can tolerate…

What Hurt the Most

Roxas sat alone in a battered chair, looking across the room to the other old chair that Axel had insisted on picking up from the side of the road one day. He used to always do things like that, split second decisions that Roxas used to hate. Now he couldn't stop stroking the arm of the fraying chair and just remembering that red hair, those green eyes, the purple tear tattoos, that smile…

He looked towards the ceiling, the sound of rain filling the empty rooms of the house. Empty rooms. Empty house. Empty chair. A lot of things in Roxas' life were empty now. The thought of them sent crystalline tear trails down his cheek. He hadn't cried this much since Xion died.

Roxas looked down to the blurry picture of the redhead in his hand; he remembered what he had said to Roxas when they first met at Xion's funeral, remembered the hollow smirk that played on his lips. "It's okay to talk to the dead, who knows, they might be listening"

His hand moved from the arm of the chair to the now tearstained picture, "Are you? Are you listening Axe?..." he muttered the question, a tear falling from his eye.

Another vision of Axel danced into his mind. It was two years after Xion died, Roxas and Axel were dressed in black. Axel stood with his hand on his boyfriend's shoulder as the blonde boy's tears fell, "don't be afraid to cry, Rox." He had muttered softly in Roxas' ear, "just take a few tears now and then and just let them out."

Another of Roxas' tears fell to the tearstained photo, "I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though going on with you gone still upsets me…" Roxas' voice cracked and he stroked the blurry face of his redhead, "there are days every now and again I'm okay, but that's not what gets me."

He remembered the day at the Café about two months ago, Roxas had gotten a text from his old girlfriend, Naminé, she was a sweet girl, and she had just needed some help moving into a new apartment, but Axel had had a couple of jealous tendencies. "Axe, I'm gonna have to take a rain check on that movie, Nam says she needs me…"

Axel's face had grown visibly darker, his movements had been stiff as he rose from the table, "fine, just dandy, you go help _her_ then… a movie with me can wait" there had been disgust in his voice at the sound of the word_ her_.

Roxas' eyes had grown wide as he realized how his sentence had sounded.He rose quickly and raced after the quickly retreating pyro. "no, Axel, you don't understand!" he had cried, grabbing on to the back of his boyfriend's shirt.

Axel had turned his disgusted scowl to the small blond, "no, Roxas, I understand completely. It's all about your priorities: ex-girlfriend first, boyfriend later. Now let go."

His tears fell faster, _maybe if I hadn't gone to help Naminé this never would have happened…_ "no, what hurt the most-" that red hair, "- was being so close-" those flushed cheeks, "- and having so much to say-" those pink lips, "- and watching you walk away…" twisted into a disgusted scowl.

Roxas took in a shuddering breath, "and never knowing-" that long stride, "- what could have been-" that warm embrace, "- and not seeing that loving you-" that loving aura, "- is what I was trying to do…" turned cold and unforgiving.

Roxas rose from his chair, placing the battered picture on the side table. He had to get out of that house. He went out to the driveway, walking straight past the cars and right to the sidewalk. Axel had loved cars. He turned left at the street, turning right would have meant going past that house that burned down a while ago. Axel loved fire.

_Where should I go? Demyx? _No, he was Axel's best friend. _Naminé?_ No, she was part of the reason… _Xion?_ No, they had met because of her. _The library?_ No, Axel hated books. _Hayner? Yeah, Hayner's good… _

Roxas' steps faltered as he walked, seeing Zexion reading on a park bench. He forced a smile on his face and walked on, sending the bluenette a slight nod.

"Roxas."

He cringed and turned to face Axel's old friend. Zexion looked straight at the book in his hand, seemingly not acknowledging Roxas at all.

"I won't be sappy. I won't say you'll see him again. I won't say he's in a better place. I won't say I'm sure he's happy. I won't say any of those things because they aren't hard facts. What I will say though is that Axel wouldn't want you to force a smile. And neither do we. It's not human nature to smile when you've lost the one you love, and if anyone does that naturally, there must be something wrong with them. Just-"he paused and glanced at Roxas from the corner of his eye, "- be yourself."

A small grin played at Roxas' lips at his words. He turned. "Thank you…" he mumbled before heading off again. He glanced up to the sky, Axel used to say it reminded him of Roxas, "it's hard to deal with this regret… but if I could do it over, I would say the words in my heart that I left unspoken.

"Now let go."

Roxas had not wanted to push it, things like that had happened before. The redhead just needed to cool off. Slowly, Roxas had released Axel's shirt, "Axe…"

Axel had sent the small blonde one more nasty look before he stepped out onto the street.

That was when the drunk driver ran a red light.

That was when there was more red on Axel than just his hair.

That was when Roxas became too stunned to do anything.

That was when Axel Died.

Others had rushed quickly to aid the fallen man. Some had stood on the sidelines to call a paramedic. Roxas had crashed to his knees, his head had been held up by his hands. "Axel…" _this can't be real, he can't be dead. Those can't have been our last words to each other…_ "Axel, I love you…"

"Roxas!"

"Who's Roxas?"

"He wants to see Roxas!"

"Does anyone Know Roxas?"

"Roxas!"

"Roxas?"

Roxas had heard what they said. He had heard his name being called. But his legs wouldn't move. His voice wouldn't work. _I'm sorry, Axe… your last request and I'm too much of a wimp to give it to you…_

Roxas leaned up against a tree and thought silently of how like Axel it was. The strong embrace, the long lanky limbs. But it had no warmth.

"what hurt the most-" that cocky smile, "- was being so close-" those strange tattoos, "- and having so much to say-" that strong voice, "- and watching you walk away…" calling his name.

"and never knowing-" those crazy ideas, "- what could have been-" that confident state of mind, "- and not seeing that loving you-" those lily pad green eyes, "- is what I was trying to do…" longing for his touch…

Roxas looked back up to the sky, "that's all I was trying to do…"

~fin~

Wow… I got kind of blurry eyed there at the end… and I knew what was going to happen… how about you? Pleeeaaase review…

Btw please don't anyone give me some religious shit about what Zex said. I don't want to hear it.

Now review or I will spokeo your ass down and kill you in your sleep.

~Lixal~


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